Over the covid-19 pandemic, I began to publish smut on Reddit. It was something I did cautiously and in secret. Only my closest friends and partners knew. They had told me my erotica writing was well done and that I should publish it. However, my fear of being found out as a psychotherapist who wrote smut, squashed any excitement I felt about that possibility. I had fears of being reprimanded by the college. Fear of clients judging me and my credibility being questioned. Yes, I talk about sex with people in therapy, but writing about sex somehow felt like a risky decision. So, I continued to publish on Reddit. It wasn’t uncommon for my eroticas to be upvoted several hundred times, or for comments such as, “This is the kind of erotica I want to read! Please keep posting!”, to be shared. Yet, I opted to keep this category of my writing a secret.
It may be a surprise to some that I use to feel this way about all of my writing. Originally, I use to only post my writing on Reddit. I was sure that coming out to folks openly as a kinkster with trauma, would lead to judgement. So, I stayed closeted. In my Masters program, I shared with my supervisor that I wrote under a pseudonym. She was someone who supported me in going public with my writing. She shared that coming forward about my own work around trauma and sexuality, could be seen as supportive for the folks I work with. She was someone I trusted as she was a registered social worker and had immense knowledge about college standards of practice. I also began to learn about other therapists and coaches who were openly kinky. It felt right to me to be able to share this part of myself. I wanted to feel like a whole person as a psychotherapist. Being kinky, is a part of who I am inherently. If I am going to support and work with kink queer folks, I wanted to be able to overcome my own shame around this identity.
I slowly began sharing my writing more publicly and eventually, began to self publish books. I tied my writing and psychotherapy business together through my website and established myself on Patreon and Substack with support from partners, friends and colleagues. I began selling my writing through writing events and I could not believe the amount of folks who felt validated reading what I had bravely shared with the world. Not only did it feel amazing to “come out” again, I also was able to openly identify myself as a writer. A dream come true for little me.
The comedian Taylor Tomlinson has a piece on growing up religious and masturbation. At one point in the skit, she shares “I didn’t realize I masturbate wrong. When I masturbate, I don’t think of anything”. She shares that “dirty thoughts” were the sin involved with masturbating. In Catholicism, it is both the thoughts and sexual pleasure. Not only did I not masturbate until my late twenties - mostly because I couldn’t get the image of god watching me as I flicked my bean - I also wasn’t able to think of fantasies - probably because of the god thing. Porn often felt too stimulating or unrealistic as a queer kinkster and audio recordings just left me drifting into distraction with someone orgasming in my ear.
It wasn’t until I read erotica written by Sinclair Sexsmith, a butch, queer, kinky writer and editor that I found the sexual stimulation that finally worked for me. Reading queer and kinky erotica that outlined consent and desire turned me on. Erotica that shamelessly described queer sex and kinky fuckery felt so damn validating and freeing. Reading while masturbating kept my mind focused on arousal. It gave me visuals to imagine without pressure of “coming up with something”.
I wrote my first kinky erotica zine in 2022 during Toronto Pride. Pride that year felt invigorating after pandemic isolation from my fellow queers. To date, that zine is my best selling collection of writing. I also approached Microcosm Publishing, after learning about their queer erotica collection. I was responded to with a publishing offer and a collection of femme, kinky erotica I wrote will be formally published later in 2023.
I’m finally fully coming out as a psychotherapist who writes queer, kinky smut. Why? Because I have carried an immense amount of shame for being queer. For being kinky. For having sexual desires. The intersectionality between queer folks and folks who have experienced religious trauma is overwhelming. One of the things that is robbed from so many queer folks, is the ability to enjoy our sexuality. Queer, kinky smut is hard to find. I write it as an act of rebellion against the trauma I experienced by the Catholic Church teachings. I write it as an expression of self and way to decrease feelings of shame around kinky queer desire. I write it as a way to communicate to other queer folks that their desires are valid, real and rightfully theirs to enjoy. I write and share it to live by example for the folks I work with.
I am a psychotherapist who writes queer smut.
I Do As I Am Told (Agender Dom/femme submissive)
We get back to their place after a steak dinner and go for a walk in the park by the river. We had spent the evening talking about personal stories and laughing about little things. While walking by the river in the dark we held hands and got a little lost before finding our way back to the car. When we arrive at theirs, they open the door to their apartment and I come up to them and kiss their lips.
“Are you in the mood to play with me?” I ask with inquiring eyes. “Yes. Are you wanting to be played with?”, they reply. I nod my head and they kiss me deeply. I take off my dress and lay it on the bed. They admire me in my lace lingerie and begin to devour my mouth once more before telling me to stand at the end of the bed. They tell me to face them and undress myself. I keep their eye contact as I slowly undo my strappy bra and throw it to them playfully, yet vulnerably, feeling delightfully exposed.
“Do you want a yoga mat for your knees?” I shake my head no. I love a little discomfort. “Ok. Then kneel”. I do as I am told. “Look forward”. I do as I am told. My body begins to shake with excitement. Little whimpers escaping my lips as I bite them, trying to keep quiet. “You can relax now”. They grab the back of my head and kiss me. They instruct me to look forward once more and in my peripheral I can see them take their strap out of their pants.
“Look to your right”. I playfully look the opposite direction and they laugh with me. I look to my right and I smile as I stare at their cock. I instantly and greedily take it into my mouth. Their hand finds the back of my head and they shove their cock down my throat until I gag. They release me and kiss me as spit drips from my lips before making me devour them again, a fistful of my hair in their palm.
“Stand”. I do as I am told. They pick me up, my legs wrap around their waist and they place me on the bed. I lay on my back as they scratch and bite every inch of me. I moan and shiver wanting more. My hips begin to grind up against them. I grab their hair and they pin my hand down. “Do you want my face somewhere?”. “No”, I giggle. “Really? You have one more chance to be honest”. I giggle once more with my fingers in my mouth.
They lean towards the side of the bed and grab three impact toys. They return to facing me, making me feel tiny and submissive. “Pick one”, they say. I pick a paddle and they tell me to flip onto my stomach. They spread my legs and bite and grab my ass. Palmfuls of my flesh in their hands before the sting of the paddle hits. They whack the paddle in between kisses and rubs. They begin to finger me from behind and come to kneel at my side, replacing my fingers in my mouth with their strap as they continue to finger fuck me. I cum and shiver for them and they tell me to flip over for them. I do as I am told.
They take their cock and put it inside my wetness. They pull me into them so they fill every inch of me while playing with my clit. They make me cum again as they scratch my thighs and pound into me. Their arms pull me onto their thighs as they hold me close while pulling my hair. I cum again. They tell me to flip over again and to get onto my knees and forearms. They spank me with the paddle, bite my ass and fuck me with their cock until I cum again and am shaking from pleasure, whispering in my ear “I want you to cum one more time for me”. They tell me, “Good Girl” when I do.
Im sweaty, fulfilled and blissfully floaty. My words are mumbles as they hold me from behind and play with my hair, giving me sweet kisses and caressing my body.
I think it's so powerful to see a therapist who writes erotica & is open about it...I think it definitely helps to normalize erotica and to show that you can have trauma around sexuality & still be a kinky, sexual being. I loved the erotica itself too...so nice to read kinky erotica that is written for queer people :)