I adopted Sierra when I was working as a Child Protection Worker. I was struggling with depression, sleep and anxiety (in part - because of the job). My supervisor recommended that I get a dog. I had gone to the humane society to look at some puppies. By the time I had arrived, the puppies had been adopted (in hindsight - this was a very good thing as I have learned I am NOT a puppy person). I decided to take a look at a German Shepard mix breed named “Layla”. She was two years old and had been abandoned and on the street. She was very underweight and very anxious. I spent some time with her in the kennel and the staff told me she would be getting spayed and un-adoptable for the next four days. She recommended I read up on the breed and adopting a dog. I could come back after her surgery and make my decision at that time.
After four days, I was still thinking about Layla. I decided to return to the humane society and visit her again. When she heard my voice in the hallway, she jumped onto her hind legs in her kennel and sat on my feet when she was let out. I went home with her that day, completely out of my element and as nervous as she was about this decision.
Layla didn’t know her name because it was one the staff had given her when she got to the humane society. I re-named her, Sierra. She struggled with separation anxiety and would howl and defalcate when I left the home. Any time I left her outside a store, she would cry as if I would never come back. People would look at me awkwardly as I explained, “She has separation anxiety - I am working on it”. I would also get consistent comments on how underweight she was. “Yes, she was a stray, I’m slowly getting her to be able to handle food”. What they didn’t know was that Sierra would throw up after eating meals because her stomach couldn’t handle the food. She didn’t know what treats were and didn’t know how to play. She was scared of water and apprehensive about mostly everything.
Over the years and the introduction of a sister (Juno), Sierra has made huge strides. She loves to splash (she refuses to swim), paddle board, play with one specific type of ball (the blue and orange chuck-it ones), chew on bones and she has kind-of learned how to play.
Sierra is about eight years old now. I have had her for about six years. Unfortunately Sierra has had a tough couple of months. She had a cyst burst, got bit at the dog park and needed 14 stitches and over the last week, has been stumbling on her walks. She seems to be having a hard time controlling her back legs. My partner took her and I to the emergency vet on Saturday and are awaiting blood work results.
Writing helps me process. I think I also like to share my writing with others so that it provides some validation that while I am a therapist and for the most part, have my shit together, life has ups and downs. Sometimes, when the stress is chronic like it has been lately, I have to put in extra work to be able to avoid a depressive episode from coming on. I actively need to stay off the news and seek extra support from partners, friends, crisis lines and therapy. Sometimes, I need to focus on what I am thankful for so that it all doesn’t feel so dark. Coming from trauma, my brain is programmed to focus more on the bad stuff than the good. Its called “The Negativity Bias”. All humans have this programming, but it is heightened in folks who come from trauma and abuse. Actively tuning into what I am thankful for, helps me shift my mindset so that I can try and help regulate my nervous system and recognize glimmers of safety.
Today I am thankful for:
Being able bodied
Having a home and food in my fridge and access to clean water
Access to veterinary care
Supportive friends and partners
Antidepressants and ADHD medication
A comfortable mattress to get good sleep on
A work from home job so I can be with Sierra
Living close to a park
Anime and plushies
Writing and books
Good coffee
What are you thankful for? Feel free to share in the comments below.
Today I am thankful for:
-my therapist reminding me that it’s okay to give myself time to just experience what being okay feels like before I rush back to work
-financial security
-my cats
-my partners and friends who respect my boundaries
-my internal family system who are all working together to keep us happy and safe
-big blanket
-living independently
-coffee