There Is No "Easy" Way Through Grief
Three days ago, I made the devastating decision to have my german shepherd Sierra put down. She was one day shy of her eighth birthday. After numerous tests and assessments by her vet, she was diagnosed with malignant insulinoma. Within ten days, she lost the ability to run, jump, go up stairs with ease and began falling on walks and in the house. Regular glucose levels for dogs should be between 3.4-6. Sierra’s blood results were coming in between .6 and 1.4. She was rapidly declining physically, despite being cognitively aware.
I planned Sierra’s last day to include treats of all kinds, a slow walk to the park and chewing on sticks, last photos together, a gathering of all her human friends and the people who loved her, steak for dinner and I held her as the vet put her down in our home in her favourite bed.
Part of my attachment trauma showed up with me thinking daily about how one day Sierra would die. I somehow thought that if I kept that fact present in my mind, that day would not hurt so much when it came. I was very wrong. I was, and am, completely devastated. Losing Sierra brought up as much pain as losing my uncle to cancer. Making the decision to end her life so that she would not suffer and continue to deteriorate is a place of power I never want to be in again. I cannot express the overwhelming guilt and second guessing that overcame me as I signed the paperwork. It truly, was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. And - my life has not been easy by any means.
Fifteen years after losing my family, four years after my uncles death, three years after the divorce from my ex of 13 years and one year after the pandemic “ended”, I am here with grief by my side again. I am no stranger to it - but fuck does it hurt each and every time it comes around.
I always tell people that there is no easy way around grief. It sucks. Period. It is heavy and dark and can be all encompassing. It is the worst depressive episode. It is an emptiness that nothing can fill. You just have to exist with it and nothing makes that easier, but time. Grief also brings trauma and attachment triggers to the surface. I am cognitively aware that this is normal. But, also hold space to acknowledge that it is shit.
So, I am sleeping, a lot. I let myself cry once a day. I made Sierra a memorial that sits in my living room. I let the waves of grief come over me and experience them with a balance of not letting it take over my whole day. I reached out to the dog Reddit board for support from strangers who understand the pain. I reach out to my friends. I let my partners support and love me. I go into nature and rage garden (pulling out milkweed has some unexpected therapeutic effect). I am gentle with myself and remind myself that there is no running from grief. The more I try to run from it and deny its presence, the longer the process will take.
Right now, it is one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Eventually it will become one day, one month and one year at a time.
I know I will make it through this, even though at times the pain hits me like a ton of bricks to the fucking face. Others have gotten through it and I will too.
I love you Sie.