Spending The Holidays Alone As A Survivor
Many survivors of trauma and abuse tend to spend holidays alone. This can lead to us feeling depressed and absolutely dread these days when they come around on the calendar. We can feel alone, unloved and see ourselves as “the problem”. In other cases, to avoid these feelings (because obviously - these feelings can be overwhelming and painful to sit through) we may attend family events despite them being unsafe for us, leading us to feeling worse.
I know what these feelings are like. I know what it’s like to cry on Christmas or Thanksgiving because I was grieving the loss of celebrating with “family”. I know what it’s like to feel alone and unloved as the wold posts happy family photos all over social media.
So - Here are some things that have gotten me through holidays in the past as a survivor that is estranged from my bio family. I share them in hopes that maybe this list helps other survivors who may be alone during this Thanksgiving long weekend. I know it may feel like it, but you are not alone in this experience.
If you’re experiencing sadness, express it. Give yourself a set amount of time to be sad about being alone on the holiday if this is something that you struggle with. After that set amount of allotted time (eg. 10-20 minutes), put the sadness on a “shelf” and make a plan for the rest of your day. In my experience, every year the feeling of sadness is less intense.
Occupy yourself by meeting your own needs. What is your favourite part of the holiday you’re spending alone? Is it the food? Gifts? Having the day off work? The road trip? Meet your needs by making yourself a meal that you love, buy yourself a gift, snuggle a stuffed animal or your pet, go for a walk or hike in the forest and look at the leaves changing colours, nurture yourself and show yourself the love you did not get from your bio family. IMO, holidays are about taking down time and giving ourselves the permission to rest.
Remind yourself that family holidays are not always what they are cut out to be. Social media is a performance. Most of the time, people actually dread doing family gatherings on holidays because they usually cause stress, trauma or conflict. You don’t have to worry about putting on a show - you can spend the day however YOU want without family obligations.
Some local community organizations offer events for folks who may feel lonely on holidays. For example, Spectrum offers a Xmas gathering for LGTBQIA folks who don’t have bio family to celebrate with.
Connect with chosen family - if applicable. If friendships are a struggle, engaging in some groups may be helpful to feel connected to your community. This can be a craft circle, a sport, volunteering or reading group. Meetup, has some good options to meet folks. You can also check out Eventbright or your local municipality IG or websites to see what events are going on so that you can be “around” people even if its not to interact with them.
Spend the holiday volunteering and connecting with others in your community who need support. Eg. Volunteering at a food bank.
Screw societal norms and expectations around holidays.
You are not alone - even if it may feel like it. Tomorrow is another day and hard feelings come and go.