TW: Self harm discussion
As a masochistic kinkster with a history of self harm, I am no stranger to the conversation on self harm compulsion and kink play. I have had these conversations with my own Tops, as well as, with clients. My values align with shame and harm reduction practices and I apply these values when entering this discussion as well. While I have much to say on the topic, I would like to keep it brief and instead, refer to other humans from the kink world who have already written on the subject.
My bullet point thoughts on the subject include:
I believe that all kink practices, including edge play, should be practiced from a RACK perspective: Risk Aware Consensual Kink. As bottoms, we have a responsibility to be acting from a place of emotional regulation and honesty with our Tops. It is our responsibility to share with our Tops about our mental health and self harm history. It is our responsibility to know when we should be or should not be engaging in edge play based on; our mental health, our connection with our Top, our ability to be regulated when making the decision to engage in edge play and to have other tools in our tool box other than edge play to relieve our inner needs.
I believe that self harm is not “good” or “bad”. It is a coping mechanism that often develops from a place of not learning from trusted caregivers how to self regulate big emotions as a child.
I believe that kink can be a way of reclaiming self harm when done with a trusted partner and when approached with intentionality, safety and complete honesty.
Tops/Doms have the right to decline participating in edge play, even if it is something the bottom wants.
Does the edge play sit well with your value system as a bottom/ Top? Do you know how your personal values align with kink play?
How is self harm different from RACK edge play? I believe it is different in the following ways: It is communicated, it is planned, it is not impulsive, it is not risking someones life, it is not leaving permanent emotional damage, it is not reinforcing harmful thoughts or self beliefs, it is not the only way to receive relief and each adult is consenting outside of being under the influence or being dysregulated. If any of these are the case, I urge the individual to re-think the motive and desire more deeply.
The reason self harm is a coping mechanism is because it offers release from emotional pain. This, in and of itself is not “bad” or “good”. It is a nervous system response and can be reclaimed through kink dynamics with a trusted partner and is often seen in other forms of kink such as impact play.
What are the motivations for engaging in edge play for both the bottom and Top?
Other resources on this topic include the following:
Lina Dune speaking about kink and her own history of self harm as a submissive.
The book, Broken Toys by Raven Kaldera.
This essay on the difference between self harm and masochism.
This explorative post by a masochistic submissive which provides some further links.
This essay by Clemmentine Morrigan: Fuck Me Up: Submission as Trauma Magic
My own essay: Reclaiming the Belt on Patreon
The section on Self Harm on the Deviance and Desire website
This is a complex topic. I encourage education and critical thinking when engaging in any kink play and feel it can offer healing and reclamation for survivors when done do thoughtfully, intentionally and ethically.
In solidarity and submissiveness.
Jessi