*Depression* "Hello? Is It Me You're Looking For?"
No but actually, shit has been rough. Here is how i've managed my last depressive episode.
I sat in my doctors office, struggling with yet again another UTI. The ongoing struggle of finding the cause seems to be moving forward as she fills out the paperwork for me to be referred to a specialist. I am also there for my mental health - my depression, to be specific.
“Well, I’ve thought about death for the last 30 days in a row at least. In some capacity or other”, I say when she asks me what’s going on.
“Oh. Yep - Thats a lot”.
She goes through a list of questions; Am I getting outside enough? Taking my meds? Do I have a therapist who balances validation with challenging me? Do I have supportive partners? Do I get out of the house?
I provide her with answers - I don’t go for walks maybe as often as I should, I take my meds, I do have a therapist I really like who is knowledgeable about ADHD and eco-anxiety, both of my parters are supportive and I see my friends and go to a weekly dance class. We talk about increasing my prozac. We talk about a potential job change.
“Are you feeling existential dread?” She asks. Existential dread is defined as: “A profound, deep-seated psychic or spiritual condition of insecurity and despair in relation to the human condition and the meaning of life.” I burst into tears as she hands me a tissue.
“Yep - You could say that”, I respond.
I may have overlooked the whole thinking about death in some capacity every day. I kind of wrote it off as, “The whole fucking world is on fire…of course thinking about death makes sense. Everyone is struggling - not just me”. Although, I stand by that in theory - I think I may have overlooked the HOW OFTEN was I thinking passive or not-so-passive suicidal thoughts.
I sat in a crisis therapy session with my therapist. I cried as I simultaneously tried to not cry. Eventually, it came out that I am pretty. Fucking. Sad. Im sad about the state of the world and I am, “overwhelmingly underwhelmed” by humans and the harm we cause as a species to each other and the world. I am both utterly bored and incredibly anxious. I shared that there have been days where as I am helping clients manage their depression and trauma, I don’t believe what I am telling them. That I know logically, that what I am saying makes sense, but the state of the world makes me think, “But what’s the point”. That makes me feel like a hypocrite to my clients, which ultimately makes me feel like a shit human. Not to mention, being in a situation in where I am currently trying to re-home my dog and that bringing up a whole wop of other trauma shit for me.
Near the middle of the session, the words “I’m scared”, came out of my mouth. My therapist put his hand to his heart and said, “Jessi, you’re scared. Of course you’re scared”. We talk about how it feels like a terminal illness diagnosis to be living through the current state of ecological and political disarray and destruction we are witnessing. There is no changing the fact that in many significant ways, our global environment has been altered beyond the human ability to be repaired. Within our lifetime, we will experience the horrendous effects of global warming and most likely, political corruption and the reality of late stage Capitalism. And its fucking scary.
My therapist looked at me and said, “So, we know the bad thing is already happening and going to get worse. You have already accepted and acknowledged what many folks can’t look at directly, because it is too big and too devastating. So, if we know that the bad thing is going to come and that we can’t change that, how do we shift our life to be the best it can be, given this information? How do we redefine purpose?”
He also explained to me that people who are neurodivergent (specifically ADHD/autistic), really struggle with feeling a lack of purpose. For most non- neurodivergent folks, purposeless-ness doesn't lead to feelings of hopelessness the same way as it does for folks on the ADHD or Autism spectrum. Many folks are able to wake up every day and just do the damn thing because, well, thats what they do. The idea of the things they are doing having “purpose”, doesn’t really come into the equation. For myself, a lack of purpose feels absolutely devastating and will keep me in a depressive episode for evidently, weeks. My therapist pointed out that what brings me a sense of purpose at this point in my life, needs to shift based on the information I now have.
My sense of purpose now is helping others grieve what is coming in our lifetime. It is helping others cope with what I am currently coping with. My sense of purpose is creating happy memories with my loved ones and friends. It is loving my dogs and taking care of my body and mind as best I can. It is continuing to write. It is continuing to figure out why I am continuing to struggle with chronic UTIs and advocating for myself in a medical system that doesn’t prioritize women’s health. It is getting more tattoos.
None of these things will prevent the bad things that are coming from happening. But, this reframe has helped me bounce back from my latest depressive episode and has given me some sense of control over my life again.