This holiday season was a lot. It was a lot, in a good way. But, it was a lot. I had five different Christmas gatherings, a burlesque performance I was in, one of my partners birthdays and I also worked several shifts at my second job on the weekends.
When I looked at my December schedule, I was instantly overwhelmed. I knew that I would need to take it one day at a time. As the month went on, I erased every day that passed on my whiteboard calendar and felt relief as the end of the month approached.
Something I forgot to take into consideration when planning my holiday season, was how my attachment style flares up during this time of year. Despite my trauma occurring over 15 years ago, the holidays bring up a lot of visceral shit for me. Sometimes, I miss the signs. I forget how much energy having attachment flare ups take up.
It started with my Rigger. Both him and I have had a lot going on this past summer and the last time we had a tie session was several months ago. Overall, he has gone MIA. I finally decided to approach the kink community to find a new rope Top. Out of respect, I let my Rigger know that I would be doing this. This conversation led to me feeling confused as his response left me feeling like I had done something wrong despite my needs going unmet for several months and me communicating that I needed more from him. I put a lot of effort into communicating with him and comforting him. Way more than I feel I normally would have done in this sort of dynamic. I was also vulnerable and shared that I missed him, which ultimately left me on read when I checked in (again) about how he was feeling. Blegh.
As the holiday dinner with my two biological sisters approached, I felt a lot of anxiety in my body. The relationship between my sisters and I has been complicated. This is the case for many survivors of abuse who have siblings. They are the two of my six siblings I speak to and it has not come without struggles, triggers, boundaries and taking space when needed. The day of the dinner, I was sick to my stomach. I told myself over and over that everything was OK. I told myself that despite some value differences between us, my sister was hosting Christmas as a way to reclaim the holidays. That was something I could get behind. It was something I was proud of her for. I brought both of my partners and was able to be openly poly. I spoke to my partners about the support I needed and I reminded myself that I was an adult who could end conversations and leave when I wanted. Nevertheless, I was nauseous and anxious the whole time. I was able to label that my body was having a programmed response to spending the holidays with bio family members and that in this situation, it was not an appropriate response.
Hosting over the holidays tends to also bring up some shit for me. Residual trauma from when I was a kid and every holiday being a fucking disaster, will do that. Even though my nesting partner and I only hosted my partner and two close friends, I could feel the jitters in my body while cleaning the house and needing everything to be perfect. Despite the fact that in actuality, none of the people I invited would give a crap about the state of my home. I was utterly exhausted when everyone left because I had also had a holiday celebration the night before. However, I still cleaned until 10PM because of the neurotic energy buzzing in my body.
I went to my nesting partner several times throughout the month, asking for hugs and reassurance. Nothing was tangibly wrong, but I just felt anxious all the time and needed to be held. I was also hyper aware of how much I was eating and working out. For added context, I fucking hate working out. Loathe it. I also have very strong emotions towards dieting and food shaming as all of my sisters and bio mother have struggled with or continue to struggle with eating disorders. This was another sign to me that something old had been activated for me by the holiday season.
Sex drive? Nah.
I share my experience of trauma and attachment flareups throughout the month of December in hopes that other survivors know that they are not alone. Yes, our trauma may have happened over a decade ago, but if we lived in significant abuse and attachment trauma for most of our childhoods, some of that will remain in our bodies. Is it annoying, uncomfortable and tiring? Ugh. Yes. However, is it understandable? Also yes. Our nervous system is just trying its best to keep us safe. Getting mad at our bodies for having these reactions only leads to us feeling worse and in some sense, continues the cycle of trauma we came from. It is more healing for us to notice, soothe and seek reassurance.
I wanted to share some of my favourite attachment trauma resources for those of us who may still be experiencing some flare ups from the holiday season. Understanding and knowledge combats frustration and fear.
I do not agree with everything Clementine Morrigan shares, but I continue to really value her work on attachment and trauma. Specifically, her zines Fucking Crazy and Trauma Informed Polyamory. Even for folks who are not poly, her TIP zine actually focuses more on Attachment theory, Polyvagal theory and ways to soothe the nervous system, rather than polyamory specifically. Fucking Crazy is a zine which speaks to living with attachment trauma and how it shows up in relationships
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, Is a highly recommended book from several folks in my circle of trauma therapy. I have not read it personally, but have heard good things. This also goes for the book Hold me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson , which while a bit dated, still has some solid attachment based info.
Im not a huge fan of Instagram therapy, but these two accounts are solid: The Wholistic Physiologist (who also has several easy to digest books written on attachment) and Silvy Khoucasian.
If Youtube videos are more your thing, I would recommend Alan Robarge: Attachment Trauma Therapist. He has a ton of easy to understand and digest bite sized videos on Attachment theory and trauma.