Asexuality, Demi-sexuality and The Consent Spectrum
I have never had a one night stand. I have never had a friend with benefits. I have never had sex with someone who I wasn’t dating, or planning on dating.
I always felt like something was wrong with me not having any desire to do those things. I never fully understood “casual dating” or “sleeping around”. It wasn’t that I judged it or had feelings against those things. It just wasn’t how my own brain worked. Did I have low sex drive? Was I a prude? Or just a traumatized ex-catholic?
When I learned about demi-sexuality and additionally, when I learned about asexuality by reading the book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society and the Meaning of Sex, by Angela Chan, things began to make a lot more sense for me. I had originally thought that asexuality was used to describe a human who did not experience any sexual desire whatsoever. I had no idea, that like everything, asexuality is a spectrum that goes from no-sex drive to sex drive felt only under certain conditions. When I discovered that demi-sexuality is a part of the ace spectrum, I finally felt like I had language to describe my sexual desire and identity. In addition, I learned more clear language around the spectrum of consent. Language and knowledge shed shame and this is my experience of learning more about how my brain works around sexual desire. I now understand how arousal works for me and that I am not “broken” for not feeling the way movies or society say I should when it comes to arousal.
Asexuality describes a person who feels no or little sexual desire towards other humans or at all. Folks who are asexual can still experience arousal but have it not be inspired by a person in particular. It is just a feeling that comes up for them, similar to an itch that needs to be scratched. Some asexual folks masturbate, while others don’t. Most asexual people have allo partners (non-asexual folks). Some have open style relationships, while others don’t. Some are sex-repulsed and others still enjoy the physical act of sexual release despite not being inclined to desire or initiate it.
Demi-sexuality is a type of sexual orientation which falls under the umbrella of asexuality. Most demi folks, need to develop an emotional connection to a person before they experience sexual desire or will have sex with that person. While an allo folk may want to get to know someone before sleeping with them, demi folks often want to develop a deeper emotional connection which often takes more time. Often times, people who identify as Demi are often “slow burns”. I want to be clear that demi-sexual folks do not view themselves as more enlightened or “better” than allos. Sleep with who you want. It is just not how OUR brains work.
Learning about demi-sexuality also led to me learning about a new concept around consent. Often times, we are taught that consent means an enthusiastic yes and that “No, means No”. However, I often found that for myself, this felt too rigid of a way of looking at sexual consent because it did not totally match how I experienced sexual desire.