What It Means To Be Disorganized

A poem about disorganized attachment

What it means to be disorganized

Is that I both want and don’t want at the same time

I gravitate towards and actively want to push away 

It is wanting to be alone and missing them when I am 

It is wanting relationships 

And then feeling my anxiety heighten when things begin to progress 

It is wanting to explore the unknown and simultaneously wanting to remain in familiar territory 

It is wanting conversation and quiet at the same time 

It is that feeling of never knowing if I am truly content 

It is wanting intimacy and also being anxious about wanting it 

Am I too needy? Not needy enough? Am I being an asshole? Am I being annoying? Am I overthinking?

Probably, yes. 

It is wishing my brain would stop being so fucking preoccupied 

With thoughts of what they may be thinking of me, while knowing that those who love me, do so despite and even sometimes for, my quirks 

It is knowing I cannot fully trust my gut or feelings without looking at the logistics 

Its both wanting to be cared for and thinking I care for myself best 

It is actively telling myself that I am safe 

That I can lean in and not lose my identity 

And that I am not trapped 

And that love, security and care can be welcomed into my life without 

Burning it all into flames