Rights and Red Flags for Submissives and Bottoms Seeking New Play/Kink Partners
Submissives and bottoms who are newer to the kink scene can be at a higher risk of harm in the community due to lack of knowledge or eagerness overriding caution. In addition, due to the “Top shortage” anxiety that floats around both in the queer and kink communities, submissive and bottoms are at a higher risk of downplaying or not communicating their needs or boundaries due to fear of losing a potential Top. This can lead to safety violations and unsafe situations and relationship dynamics.
As someone who works with and is a part of the kink community, I have collaborated with other kinksters and queers to create a list of safety protocols and potential red flags in hopes that it is read and shared among newer subs and bottoms.
LIST OF RED FLAGS:
Always, ALWAYS vet your potential play/kink partner! When seeking a play/kink partner, you should always be able to reach out to their current and past partners to vet them. You should be able to speak to others in the community to seek reputation references. If they get angry when you ask for references, are not accountable or blame things on others, criticize the BDSM community and lack clear and transparent communication, this is a major safety red flag. One of the best ways to vet potential partners is to attend munches and get to know the community. Yes, it takes longer but it is worth the extra safety this step offers.
If they avoid talking about anything personal, avoid giving you a contact number outside of FetLife or other online platforms (this includes dating apps, Reddit etc).
If you at any point feel pressured, guilted or not respected.
If they confess their undying love for you before they have met you or truly know you.
If they ever try to make you feel guilty or not good enough.
If they claim “real subs” don’t get an opinion.
If they engage in heavy drug/alcohol use and are under the influence every time you talk to them.
If they ignore or refuse to use safe words. If they don’t ask for your safe words or limits. Or, if they proudly state they do not believe in or need them.
If they have nothing nice to say about previous partners.
If they don’t want you to make a safe call (having an arrangement for someone to check in on you part way through the scene) or check in when you arrive or are leaving.
If they insist on a scene or sex for the first meeting.
If they don’t ask you about soft and hard limits or know their own. (Soft limits: An activity you are open to trying with preparation and some boundaries in place eg. Spanking, choking, hair pulling. Hard limits: Are an activity you are under no circumstance open to engaging in eg. Scat play, knife play).
Says they have no limits and will do anything.
If they dismiss you and say it is because they are a Dom.
If they do not let you have any input on scenes or the dynamic. They have a prescribed idea of where they want a scene or relationship to go and are not approaching things from an open and collaborate standpoint.
If they are super clingy and wants to separate you from your friends or kink partners.
If you get a bad vibe, they talk about rape and consensual non consent without any check-in about limits or boundaries.
Obvious deceptions such as; doesn’t look like their photo, does not give a real name or phone number, is not open about other partners, or obvious signs of having exaggerated or lied about their experience or competency.
There’s this fine line between “entitled” and “Dom energy” that a lot of Tops fail to recognize. This can be an indication of unacceptable risk.
You should be meeting the potential Top at a social or munch first before ever engaging in kink/play privately.
You should be able to ask questions about who else the potential partner is playing with or having sexual relationships with.
Protection should be used when sexual acts are a part of the arrangement or play. Conversations about fluid bonding (not using protection), other sexual partners, play party protocols and testing should not be discussions that are “off the table” or initiate conflict.
If they demonstrate the inability to ask others for information/unwillingness to go to workshops.
Additional Pieces for Queer & Trans Folks
*Please note: the following considerations are taken directly from folks who identify as Trans/ Queer*
- “Particularly for trans fems, there’s an added layer of risk associated with meeting self identified “straight Tops” who are actually seeking workarounds to be pleasured by a penis rather than seeing trans fems as women. This can lead to rejection once they begin to experience the guilt and shame of their internalized homophobia. This can look like unpredictable behaviours such as “not sticking around and make a quick bee line for the door after the lust passes, making aftercare non-existent at best, and at worst they can become violent”.
- “Within the community, there’s vastly different experiences with gender and kink and how bullying can be hot in safe contexts. However, without good communication before hand, this can cross into harmful territory very quickly”.
- “For trans fems, there’s this whole layer of “what are they attracted to about me and Is there a genital preference involved I need to be aware of? Am I even more than just genitals to this person? And if I am not, is that safe within my container of consent and boundaries”.
- “Grindr, in particular, is an absolutely nightmare of consent violations, objectification and fetishization as the default, with the bare minimum of decency being incredibly rare, which, in itself can be troubling because there is a relief bias that plays into it. When someone is not immediately garbage, there’s this added benefit of the doubt that they can cultivate and it can create a false sense of safety based more on what they’re NOT doing than what they ARE doing”.
RESOURCES:
EDUCATE YOURSELF before you seek to play in the kink scene. It is not the responsibility of others to teach you everything about the kink community or play. You also need to demonstrate competency and understand your own boundaries. Here is a list of resources that provide helpful information on kink, non-monogamy and subbing/Domming.
Podcasts:
Multiamory
Askasub
Why Are People Into That?!
Instagram accounts:
@Shrimpteeth
@polyphilia
@mx_nighteyes
@askasub
Books:
The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux
Relationship Bill of Rights by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
Broken Toys by Raven Kaldera
Love Without Emergency by Clementine Morrigan
Fucking Crazy by Clementine Morrigan
Workshops:
Karada House
Shibari Study