Living With Depression as a Psychotherapist and Trauma Survivor
Whew - I am through another wave of depression. Every time I come out the other side I remember how good it feels to not be depressed. The relief is always substantial when I can feel the fog begin to lift. I don’t know about you folks, but the holidays felt extra hard this year. Maybe it is because of the recession, the state of the world or being a psychotherapist through the month of December…either way, I know i’m not alone in how I felt.
One thing I have learned about my depression, is that it will always exist. I do not actually believe that I will ever “heal” my depression. Or, that I can heal anyone else’s. I have a similar approach to my depression as I have to my complex trauma - It will always be with me, but as I develop more tools and understanding, the depressive episodes will be less frequent, less intense and less intrusive on my every day life.
A part of this mind shift has been acceptance and acknowledgement that in some way, my depression has offered me protection throughout my life. This began by recognizing that my depression actually developed when I was a kid, living in an abusive fundamentalist home where neither parent was a source of safety. My depression looked like hiding under my bed, disassociating, losing myself in books and swallowing multiple Tylenol at the age of apx. 11. Suicidal ideation began as my way to imagine what a life without being abused would be like. It felt like the only way out of the situation I was in. When I would become overwhelmed by the ongoing danger in my home, suicidal ideation provided me with mental escape that I could end what was happening. Luckily, I never did, but the thought was enough to give me relief that I had a way out if things got bad enough. That was enough to ironically, keep me alive.
Today, my depression often comes after a period of feeling overwhelmed. Whether it is being overwhelmed by the state of the world or my personal life, my brain goes back to the old coping mechanism of thinking of a way out. I think it is rather normal when you have lived in survival mode since childhood, that eventually you get tired of continuing to move forward. I think if we can normalize that everyone wants to die sometimes, it eliminates a lot of shame and gives room to having a different conversation.
If we can acknowledge depressive episodes as a coping mechanism our bodies developed to get us through times of trauma, it provides us with compassion towards our depression. Getting angry at myself for being depressed is like getting angry at a child who felt like dying was the only way to get out of being abused. If I can look at my depression as something that developed as a way to protect me, I can recognize that my nervous system is over-correcting after a period of high stress and going into shutdown mode to recover. I can recognize that when I am depressed, I don’t care as much about getting the dishes done, socializing, crossing things off my to-do list or trying to look at things through a positive lens when frankly, shit is burning every which way we look. Sometimes, my depression provides me with the STOP button I otherwise struggle to press myself.
If I can recognize that my depression and suicidal ideation is a coping mechanism for when I am feeling overwhelmed and need an “out”, I can try to mimic that escapism in other ways. When I am depressed, I have a mental list of things I know can be helpful for me. I do not do these things with the intention of ending my depressive episode. Rather, I do these things to soothe my nervous system, which in turn, usually ends the depressive feelings and suicidal ideation.
Things that provide me with a sense of escape:
Going for a hike or escaping to a forest
Going to the water
Being outdoors with my dog off leash
Reading fiction
Painting
Laying with my eyes closed and listening to music
Sleeping
Being held/ cuddled in silence
Watching a TV show I really enjoy
Putting my phone away on DND and not responding to texts
Deleting Instagram
Not looking at the news
Going rock climbing
Being alone and away from other humans
Going to a cafe by myself where no-one knows me
Hiding in a quiet area of a library
Being read to
Laying by a fire with my dogs
These coping mechanisms and understanding of the cause of my depression have led me to a place of not being scared of my depression anymore. It isn’t something I hate about myself anymore. It isn’t a part of me I see as “broken”. It is something that comes in waves that I manage and hold compassion for. This, in turn, makes the depression less frequent, less intense and less intrusive in my life.